A little bit of happiness of my own
by Emme019
Summary: Johanna talks to Finnick for the first time since his death, four months earlier. Please review, it would mean a lot!


_Hey Finnick._

…

…

_I uhm… I don't really know what to say. I mean, I can't ask you how you're doing since you're d-… _

_Anyway, I uhm … kinda had the feeling I needed to talk to you. I'm not really sure why though._

_Probably because I miss you…_

… _very much. _

_I really miss you Finn. _

…

_Hey, I finally got the morphling out of my system! I relapsed a bit after they had flooded that street but you knew that. _

_You were also the only one who knew I wasn't going to pass that test. _

_I'm not saying you didn't have faith in me… You just knew me..I guess._

_You were the only one who knew me._

…

_When I heard about your d-…When I heard it, I uhm… freaked out. I mean, even worse than normal. I eh, I kinda broke Haymitch's arm. He was the only one brave enough to try to calm me down but… Yeah well… _

_Eventually, they just shot me full of morphling. Not really a great strategy if they wanted me to quit the stuff…_

…

_I miss talking to you Finn. I miss you talking back to me. The conversations I had with you were… the only ones that really mattered to me. The only ones who revealed the true me. _

_I miss our late night drinks and our late night pranks. Remember that time we switched Haymitch's liquor with dishwater? Good times…_

…

_I uhm… I spoke to Annie yesterday. She looked good. Belly all sticking out. _

_I'm sorry. Annie's not really the perfect topic for us to discuss. _

_I've always pictured a 'you and Annie' and a 'you and me'. _

_You know what I'm saying. _

_Not that you had a split personality. You're just… Well you were just different with her. Gentle and caring. You were gentle and caring with me in another way. The way I was gentle and caring with you… Off cameras of course. Well, no, this makes it look like we were… Not that we weren't but it was just… We went through the same stuff… You and I. And we were best friends. And we just needed to comfort each other…after our…misfortunes. I guess we too needed someone. Someone strong enough to deal with the other one's pain but not strong enough to deal with his or her own. Guess that made us perfect for each other. Back then._

_Finnick, you were the only one left. The only friend I had. And I'm sorry about the fact that you became more to me than just my best friend. But I always tried to hide it for everyone but you, you know that. _

_I tried to hide it for your sake. _

_Annie needed you and you knew that so you wouldn't give up on her, good boy that you are…were…are. _

_I know I always called her crazy but honestly, I think I'm more crazy than she is. Especially now that you're not here to un-crazy me. It's even worse now Finnick. But I'm staying away from the morphling! _

_I know you much you hated that stuff. _

_I'm sorry for all the times I didn't listen to you._

_Hah. I can even picture you saying this right now: "You're Johanna, you never listen to anyone. Whenever you did listen to me, it was a miracle."_

_I don't really see myself as a miracle. You are more fit for that job. _

…

_Snow really screwed us up. You know that?_

_But honestly, I would like to thank him. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have been friends in the first place. Not that he had intended this but anyway… _

…

_God, Finnick! Do you even realize how hard you made this for me?_

_I was perfectly fine with us being just us. And you being with Crazy Annie._

_But then you just HAD to tell me you loved me. _

…

_And I just had to tell you back._

…

_My words were true. _

_I just hope yours were as well. _

_But I don't really think so. You had been in the Capitol for three months at the time. Three months away from Annie. So you probably just pictured me with light brown hair instead of my dark brown locks. Pictured me with a more gentle and sweet face. With light blue eyes. _

_I don't blame you. _

_I could never blame you, even if you had blown up the world for her._

_My words were true._

_I just hope that I meant something to you. Not as much as Annie but still…something more than your other, new friends. Stupid Mockinjay and her two stupid loverboys. _

…

_Wow, this is the first time I come to talk to you in four months and I already insulted you. _

_You don't need to laugh now! I really intended to stay polite, you know!_

_Ah, well, guess we'll always be the same persons…just in another place._

…

_Remember that time I told you I didn't believe in Heaven and Hell?_

_Well, that was because I was afraid that they did exist._

_Afraid that I would end up in Hell and meet all the tributes I killed. The bad ones. From 1 and 2. The ones who also deserved to be in Hell. I was afraid that I would have to see their faces every stinking second of the rest of eternity. Afraid that they would torture me._

_Well, I do believe in Heaven and Hell now._

_And I will do my absolute best to try to be a better person for the rest of my life. _

_I'll take care of Annie and your baby. Help her raise him so he can be someone you could be proud of. Someone worthy to be called 'Finnick Odair's son'._

_I'll be a better person so that when my time comes too, I get to go to Heaven. So we can meet again._

_Save me a seat up there Finnick._

_Talk to you next time. _

I stand up and try to move forward, constantly falling over all these damn rocks surrounding this little beach. When I'm finally able to reach the big rock that hides this place, I am startled to see Annie sitting behind it. I help her get up (not an easy job, she's eight months and a half by now) and she smiles at me.

"Finnick did mean those words you know. You occupied a very special place in his heart, Johanna."

She smiles gently at me. I somehow manage to smile back.

"Oh and I don't think you're crazy. At least not crazier than me. Little Finn will have two very special mothers, I think!"

She reaches for my hand and puts both hers and mine on her belly.

Maybe she's not that bad after all.

She gave me a part of Finnick by allowing me to help her with little Finn's upbringing.

Little Finn.

I love him already.

A piece of his father.

Tears start to fill my eyes. It's the first time in five years I cry in front of someone other than Finnick.

Annie puts her arms around me and tries to hug me despite the big bump between us.

"Peeta drew a picture of Finnick and me."

Again, I somehow manage to smile. It's a genuine one. I'm truly happy for her.

As from now, her happiness will be mine.

"I asked Peeta to draw one of you and Finnick too"

She holds out a beautiful frame, little white twigs that curl and turn until they form a perfect framework, which contains a picture of me and Finnick.

"Did he draw this from an actual picture?" I ask her with a voice full of tears.

"No, he didn't. He said it was a memory he had. From the arena."

Now I remember too.

Finnick and I are sitting next to each other on the beach in the arena. He is laughing while looking over the water and I'm looking at his face, laughing as well. It's really beautiful.

I don't really remember what we had been laughing about but it doesn't matter.

Every laugh is fine.

I guess I can still have a little bit of happiness of my own.


End file.
